Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
