we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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