went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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