Please, let me fuck your mom
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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