JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
