So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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