Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
