Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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