Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
