I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
