Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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