that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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