You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
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by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.