I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
