Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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