i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
