...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
