I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so much tequila, so little girl.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
