It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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