we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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