she was so not down for the gang bang
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
