you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
