WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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