i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my being single is dangerous.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
