I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
