that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
