If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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