Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
