I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
How did I end up in the pool?!
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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