its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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