there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
