Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
