i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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