I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
