I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
