Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
