Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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