based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
