I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
