i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
