Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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