My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm having to shit out rocks
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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