First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.