it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
