Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
