Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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