I like my sex mixed with concussions.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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