Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
