i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
