she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
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thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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