I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
