His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
