I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
