Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
