I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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