HIV tests are more positive than that guy
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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