WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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