Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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