I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
