The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
