Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
